Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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