Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
