went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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