I wish my penis had an off switch
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
