I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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