I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
