Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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