He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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