yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
