so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
