I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
