Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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