did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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