I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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