WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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