Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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