Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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