I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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