I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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