Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
