careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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