what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
