dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
