I have demons in me.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
