I met the friendliest cop last night
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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