If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
