I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
