Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
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