If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
