I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
