She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Randomize
