I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
