I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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