is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize