i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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