you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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