An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
you had me at cake vodka
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Randomize
