i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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