oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
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You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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