her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
