Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
