Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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