Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
