if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
