tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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