We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Randomize
