Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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