In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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