i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
