i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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